*GAY ALTAR BOY CLAIMS "I WAS NOT MOLESTED"
An Altar Boy from New York's St. Mark of the Apostles Church who identifies as homosexual, claims that at no time was he ever touched inappropriately or fondled by the church clergy. "I guess I was just born this way" says 19 year-old James McClintock, who wanted to make it clear that "I wasn't turned gay by a horny preist. I didn't even find any of them attractive." McClintock says he has always been open about his sexuality, often wearing revealing or tight fitting clothes. "Not even so much as a butt-slap!" he says.
*SWEDEN LEGALIZES GAY MARRIAGE; JEALOUS CANADA MAKES IT MANDATORY
In a move deemed "childish one-upsmanship" by the UN, Canada has rushed through legislation making gay marriage mandatory for all Canadians. This in response to Sweden becoming the seventh country in the world to legalize same-sex marriage. Canada had already done so in 2005. Now however they are once again trying to steal the spotlight on the world stage by passing sweeping reforms which effectively abolish heterosexual marriage rights, making gay marriage the only option for couples wanting the legal protections of marriage.
*OBAMA PLEDGES MORE GAY RIGHTS, ASSERTS HIS HETEROSEXUALITY
Just moments after being sworn in as the 40th president og the Untied States, the White House's official website was updated to show the presidents intentions with regards to equality for gays. From expansions of hate crimes legislation to support for same-sex partnerships, at a press conference later that day Obama committed to giving gays a voice in Washington, in a speech peppered with references to his own heterosexuality, his two daughters, his "hot wife", and his love of sports. Gay rights activists were pleased but confused. Said one onlooker, "we know he's straight, he doesn't need to keep reminding us".
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